“Gaydar” by Heidi Hirsch
Gaydar, according to Merriam Webster, is defined as slang: the ability to recognize homosexuals through observation or intuition.
Wikipedia defines it as a colloquialism referring to the intuitive ability to assess others’ sexual orientation as gay, bi-sexual or straight.
I define it as something I don’t have. I would like to say that it needs a tune up, but you should have it in order to tune it up!
I’m always intrigued when I find myself in a conversation and the subject of Gaydar comes up. Apparently, this ability to Gay-Spot is a feeling similar to the exaltation that one gets after combing the beaches for hours with a metal detector that goes off like a four-alarm fire alert. Never-mind that it turns out to be a bottle cap from the 70s, It’s the high you get from hitting pay dirt.
“Reeeaaally,” I say with great interest. “How do you know?” As I set the tone for intrigue and suspense.
“Oh, well my son’s best friend is gay. I knew it before he did.”
Hum, thinking I best not go down that path.
Tell me, what are the signs? I’m not sure I have that, what did you call it, Gay Radar? Do you see a gay person here? “Oh sure, I can spot them fast! See over there, that one, he’s soooooo gay!”
“Seriously,” I say, “How can you tell?”
“Well for one, look at what he is wearing, a straight man would NEVER wear those colors.”
Oh, crap, here we go again with the fashion police.
As a victim of my own insatiable need to poke the bear, I dig deeper. “Do you see any lesbians?” After a quick sweep of the room, “No, not yet. I’ll let you know when I see one.” Far be it from me to suggest that somebody’s Gaydar needs a tune-up.
Starting to feel a bit left out, I went to the all great and powerful source, Amazon Prime.
There it was, Gaydar: The Ultimate Insider Guide to the Gay Sixth Sense. According to the author, Gaydar is the telepathic sixth sense that only gay men—and the occasional ultra-savvy straight person—seem to possess.
Well, that leaves most of us wandering the vast waste land of “I don’t know, what do you think?”
I might not have conventional Gaydar, but I have Heidi Gaydar. As far as I’m concerned, it works every time.
Two women shopping at Home Depot together on Sunday morning with a cart full of tools, they are.
Two men shopping at Ikea together on a Sunday morning, with color swatches, they are.
Instagram photos of homemade pies, he is.
Instagram photos of step by step DIY projects, she is.
First to spot a new lipstick, he is.
Thinks that lipstick is a new girl in town, she is.
Dresses you down before saying “Hello”, he is.
Avoids eye contact at all cost when you say “Hello”, she is.
He still has his Barbie collection, he is.
Going to see Wonder Woman for the sixth time, because of the special effects, she is.
Profound use of the word “they”, they are!
And finally, the one single, most accurate, indicator that someone is gay. . .
One word, six letters. . . causing a ripple, a flitter and a breathy whisper.
Me, satisfying smirk!
As an amateur observer of the human race, Heidi is a self -appointed documentarian of life’s little quirks and how to stumble through them with humor.
Maintaining that belief has brought her to that golden age of early-bird specials, senior discounts, and the VIP-AARP card.
When she isn’t acting as the arbiter of lesbian fashion, Heidi is a professional in the themed entertainment industry. As a Project Manager, her projects include the recently opened Motiongate & Bollywood theme parks in Dubai. Currently she is working on a new theme park in an undisclosed location in the Middle East.
Always on the lookout for new adventures, Heidi enjoys building Free Libraries and is currently co-developing an on-line directory for the themed entertainment industry.
Gaydar: the Ultimate Insider Guide to the Gay Sixth Sense (2002) by Donald F. Reuter